I have felt… a bit resentful as of late. I do have faith in God, I know ultimately He is in control, but honestly I have been questioning Him, well His answers to be exact. I just feel so hurt, I should have a newborn now, but my arms are empty. I experienced another miscarriage in June, which means I have the same number of babies in Heaven as I do here on earth.
Do not get me wrong, I am so thankful for the 3 precious healthy children I have, but I truly felt God put it on my heart for another, so why would He do that, why would He then allow me to get pregnant and have those babies just for a short time? With no intention of me ever holding them in my arms?
I honestly seem to have been handling it all well, and by well, I mean trying to push my desires and longing for another baby and the loss out of my mind.
I had a break down, and I mean full on sobbing, tears flowing like a river, snotty nose, breakdown. I was holding my then 2 year old son, rocking him in the rocking chair in his room thinking ‘this could be my last baby, he will never get to be a big brother.’ That was back in February, after my 2nd miscarriage, the one where I didn’t find out I had miscarried until like week 12 and then I nearly hemorrhaged to death.
My son still remembers that and I probably scarred him for life, because now he hates when I cry and desperately tries to comfort and please me. Most of the time I cry from laughter, but even then, he panics and goes into “comfort mode”.
So back to my bitterness and self loathing…
I see pregnant friends (or any woman with a baby bump), and can’t help but feel a sting on jealousy. Why can’t I be one of those women waddling around Target, eating everything in sight?!
I think some of it boils down to control, I want to be in control! I want to have a baby on MY time schedule, plan it out so Im not due during flu season, right?!
The other thought is, why God?! Haven’t I been through enough, I mean I’ve miscarried and nearly bled to death! Just give me one more healthy pregnancy and baby! YOU were the one that put in on my heart after all!
Then its the thought “my body is failing me, stupid body, get with the program! I’m only 28 years old, pretty healthy. What. Is. The. Deal.”
So here I am sulking, complaining, Poor Poor me, right?!
So here is where the pieces start to fall in place (now looking back) and I actually see God working.
After discussing some of my issues with a friend, who happens to be a nurse, she suggested I get a second opinion and recommended I go see her dr. I finally decided that was probably a good move, it was a hard decision to make, I had always really liked my dr at the time, but I honestly feel that he had too much going and to be honest, his new staff and I did not see eye to eye. It just was no longer a good fit and I just felt there was more to it than “sometimes women miscarry several times”. I get that, there are not always reasons or answers, but I truly felt there was more to it than that.
So, I consulted with the new dr and he was very informative, asked me lots of questions,and really took the time to listen to my concerns. He suggested we do testing to see if there was an underlying problem, saying that it was totally up to me and that he felt they might come back negative, but there could be something we are missing.
I agreed, after all, I felt something was off!
The other day I went in to follow up with my new dr on the lab results, and was finally given answers. Answers that were so humbling, I was in shock! He said that I for sure have 1 gene mutation that is hereditary and possibly a second, both are serious, but treatable. The first is basically that I do not have the enzyme to properly absorb folic acid. He said for me to absorb what I need, I would have to take 10x more than the average woman! Without folic acid I am at a high risk of birth defects, which means that my body would possibly detect the birth defects early and miscarry or my baby could be born with spina-bifida or without a brain along with many other possible complications.
The other gene mutation (that is still in the “gray” area as to if I do carry this gene, we should know for sure soon), is that I possibly cannot absorb certain proteins very well, which leads to blood clots. This causes issues early on in pregnancy by forming tiny little blood clots in the placenta which then would deprive the baby of essential nutrients, causing miscarriage. OR it could cause issues later in a pregnancy for me or the baby, pulmonary embolism, death! This blood clot business is not to be taken lightly. So there it is, possibly 2 major factors that very well could explain my last 2 miscarriages (really all 3) AND my hemorrhaging after miscarriage #2.
This is a lot to process, it hit me the other day that this is something I’ve always had! Therefor, medically and scientifically, I should not have carried and given birth to 3 healthy children, but I did. God was in the midst of it all!
So, of course I realize all of this in the parking lot of my sons preschool while we are waiting for it to be time to go in, and I start sobbing. Poor poor child! This time it was tears of total and utter awe. Which turned to joy. Then turned to praise! How can I not praise God for this miraculous gift of motherhood that he has given me under these circumstances! Then there was guilt and asking for forgiveness, I felt so shameful for questioning God and that things were not going according to MY plan! My son got that panicked look on his face and asked “Momma, you crying? you not cry. It be okay.” I then explained that I am just so happy that God loves me so much and him and his sisters and that my tears were happy tears.
Thankfully I pulled it together enough to get him to class.
But, all I can come up with in all of this, is that God protected and nourished my babies, and protected me through it all! And I had no idea of the miracle my children truly are!
Here I am complaining, throwing myself a pity party about what God is NOT doing, when He has already done so much!
I feel like God orchestrated this all so that I would know, so I would seek answers. I can now consult with my dr and come up with a plan to protect myself and any future babies (if Brian and I choose to try again or if God chooses to bless us with one more). This is hereditary, so my children very well may have these same genes, so hopefully they will not endure the struggles and heartache I have.
Ultimately, I believe that nothing and I mean nothing is totally preventable with medicine or remedies, but God is it! He can protect and heal like no other!
I am truly humbled by knowing His hand was in this, that He was protecting me and my babies all along and I had no clue! I am also comforted in knowing that my babies in Heaven are with the one who created them and loves them more than I can, and I will hold them in my arms… in His time.
What is going on in our World, Seriously?!!!
I have been keeping tabs on what is going on in Iraq, as much as I can handle. I mean, unless you’ve been living under a rock, you know enough to know that a group of terrorists called ISIS are beheading Christians, children included.
What you may not know is that it is so much more than that. It is beyond my comprehension how anyone could ever so much as purposely harm a child, let alone torture and behead them?! Its pure evil. My mind goes a million miles a minute, thoughts are forming faster than I can sort, I am so jumbled in this all. Sometimes my imagination gets the best of me, I cannot focus on those thoughts too long for fear of breaking down. I know I could easily be consumed with these thoughts, thoughts that I try to convince myself that my imagination has taken too far, but the truly sad thing is that I probably can’t imagine half of the pain these people are facing. And that is an awful thought alone! Thoughts of gut wrenching, heartache for the parents watching helplessly as their children are being ripped away and murdered. The pure terror the children feel leading up to their last moments on this earth. I think the thing that is the saddest is that these evil people with blackened, cold hearts can shamelessly kill other people all the while with a smile on their faces . THAT is what saddens me most. And at what point, what experience brought them to this place, that they would be so cold, so sick in the head, to actually go through with killing people, children. Were they brain washed? Never shown love, only pain? Were they beaten as children? Neglected? Why are their hearts so full of hate? I suppose the question I both wonder the most, yet am afraid to know the answer; Do the cries of those babies not haunt their dreams?!
I have been following a page online for a while now, a man takes pictures of people and posts them. He usually includes some questions and answers of his subjects or maybe a short story, he has a way of capturing the moment, of …. making it seem that you are there, that you know these people. He is great at what he does, its like you see who they are, their personality, you see the whole moment captured in this single picture. Well, he is normally snapping pics in the US, but now he is in Iraq and it is soooo interesting. It’s a great mix of emotions and what is going on there, really going on. BUT, then you see a side that you can relate! It’s so cool to see that the Iraqis are people, like us, and I know that sounds so awful, but its true. You see these people in the midst of war, are still so much like us, I don’t know why I had built these stereo types in my head of Iraqis being so impersonal and all riding camels. But you get these great images of them visiting, laughing, or shopping at a mall, or children playing. The media portrays them as these muslim terrorists, and while some are both or one or the other, the majority are not terrorists! These are people who have families, lives; who love, feel, cry, laugh; they are doctors, teachers, engineers. They are not all out in the desert raising sheep or out plotting against the good guys. And many are christians!
They are however in the midst of a horrible war! They are fleeing their homes, fearful for their lives. I just don’t understand how we can just turn our heads and look the other way. What makes us think that ISIS will stop there?!
There is always the question of “why isn’t God saving them?” Because He is God, He doesn’t have to answer to us to put it bluntly. He gave us the choice, this is the consequence. Unfortunately we can choose to hurt others, that is obviously what ISIS is choosing. The good news is that all we have to do is accept Jesus as our savior and we are given eternity with Him! Our time on earth is so short, all this pain and evil will be over soon enough. But eternity, is, well, for eternity! While we are still here and faced with the evils of this world all I can think to do is pray! Pray for those poor people trapped on a mountain, choosing between dehydration and starvation or being shot to death. Pray for the parents and families who are helplessly watching their children being persecuted for their faith. Pray for the children, that they would be protected and if not physically, that they would feel Gods loving arms around them. Pray for ISIS, their only hope is God, and it looks like they are doing everything to rebuke Him.
I can’t help but feel a twinge of guilt, hugging and loving my babies tonight. Praying especially for all those Mommys with broken hearts.
Motherhood and Friendship
I have been a mother for 8 years now. I have grown more in the last 8 years of mothering than I could say. I have learned patience, time management, true exhaustion; I have also learned what it is to love someone so much that I am physically in pain when they are in pain. I have learned what it is to be selfless. I have learned true fear. This season of life with young children is so exciting, fun, exhausting, precious, tender, sooo exhausting, scary, priceless, selfless, and exhausting. One day I am singing with the birds, praising myself on what a wonderful job I am doing in raising my children and the next I am hiding in the laundry room, on the brink of tears eating a chocolate bar. I am an introvert, I like my space, so over the years I have not always made an effort to form close relationships with other fellow moms. I mean, who has time for friends, I am just trying to get through the day most days and have dinner on the table at a decent time! Sure I have had close friends, but they were just not what I would call healthy friendships. I have just now in the last 6 months formed close, healthy friendships; friendships that I now realize are imperative to this season of life, any season really. I have learned that I am not alone in feeling overwhelmed most days or that I am not enough for my children, and in knowing that others are in the same boat, its, well, comforting. I have women who get where I am, who have knowledge to share, whom I can share my knowledge with. We share our accomplishments and struggles; our fears and doubts, we encourage each other and lift each other up. We celebrate triumphs together. We laugh together, a lot! I love that!! We are real with each other. Our children are friends, which I love for so many reasons. I know when my kids go to their friends houses for a play date, they are safe, they are cared for, and they have friends whose parents are instilling in them the same core values that my husband and I are instilling into our kids.
I have friends that matter to me, and I matter to them. I know that I can call them for help, and they will not hesitate. When I miscarried, a friend texted to know when a good time was to bring dinner, she was not asking if she COULD bring dinner, she was asking WHEN. Not only did she bring us a delicious gluten free dinner, she brought flowers and chocolates aswell! SO AWESOME!! She knows me! She fulfilled a need and did what she could, she put thought into what would help. I had another friend leave me a gift card for a restaurant, among many other ways friends showed their love during our dark time. I also love that my friends will call me when they need help, whether its watching their kids or borrowing a pan, I love that they know they can depend on me. There is something so great in knowing that my friends need me as much as I need them.
I also have friends whom do not have children, but plan to. These friends are just as precious, they are very understanding of the season of life I’m in. They love my kids, which is so important. I can’t tell you how thankful I am for these friendships and that they are so forgiving when I have to cancel a lunch date because one of my children suddenly has a tummy bug! (yuck!)
Yes, over the last 8 years I have learned and grown so much, but it has taken me over 7 years to learn just how important it is to have close friends. I firmly believe that you should lean on your husband and mine is my best friend. While he does sympathize, he just doesn’t fully experience the day to day tasks or struggles I may encounter. My friends do. And likewise, I don’t fully understand the stress he may deal with being the breadwinner, so I also think its important for him to have friends to confide in. I am so thankful for each of these women that God has placed in my life, for their friendship. I would encourage every woman to make time for friends, to be a friend. It is so important to have a support system.
Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art… It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.
C. S. Lewis
Proverbs 27:17 Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.
My Gluten Free Rant!
I am a wife, mother, daughter, and friend who loves spending time with those I love. I am a stay at home mom and I love my role, I am very blessed. I am not a doctor, I am just a concerned mom and wife who loves to research! I do my best with what I know, so I guess I should start there. I know that my husband and all three of our adorable (I’ll post pics soon and you will agree, they are pretty durn cute!) children have celiac disease. I cook gluten free. I have spent countless hours over the last almost 10 years of marriage scouring over the internet, blogs, books, and numerous other resources, researching celiac disease and gluten free. I pack my children’s lunches for school and ensure each item is gluten free. I do everything possible to make sure that my family is consuming only gluten free foods!
I read almost every single ingredient on the labels of products at the grocery store before I dare toss it in my cart! You would be amazed at how many companies try to weasel gluten into their products, seriously, its in some spices! What?! It is a painstaking chore to grocery shop, its so time consuming because I spend so much time reading labels, its no surprise that my children despise grocery shopping! A big shout out to all the companies who proudly proclaim their gluten freeness (is that a word?! sure, it is now! ha!) in big bold lettering on your product, saving me time! You are the BOMB! I go online and read up on restaurants menus and allergy information to see whats safe for us. There is lots and lots of reading involved!
Why do I go out of my way to ensure my family eats gluten free you may ask? Did you miss the part where they have celiac disease? That is why! You have no idea how many times our gluten free diet comes up in conversations, it just does, and you also have no idea how many times I have had people roll their eyes upon learning of our choice in diet. And I don’t blame them (mostly), so many people just do not know! They have no clue what it is to live with celiac disease. Here’s the deal, I believe 2 things concerning this subject: One, most of the negative comments and dispositions are due to misconceptions or lack of knowledge as far as celiac is concerned. The second, its not your choice what others do! Simple as that! Hypothetically, lets say my family is gluten free because it just makes us feel better or simply because it is the latest fad, so what?! You do not pay my grocery bill, so lest you not worry 🙂
Back to my first belief, here are some misconceptions that hopefully I can clear up pretty quick. No, celiac disease is not an allergy, so my children will not go into anaphylactic shock if they consume gluten. There are people who do have a sensitivity and have allergic reactions, that is different. Celiac is an autoimmune disease that is not contagious, but is hereditary. Some people are born with it, some develop it years down the road. People with celiac basically do not have the enzyme to digest the protein found in wheat, barley, or rye, even a small teaspoon can cause major issues. Because the body cannot digest the gluten, it starts attacking itself, causing ulcers in the lining on the intestines which could lead to cancer, among other things. The body also cannot absorb nutrients, leaving the brain and other vital organs without necessary nutrients. My husband has experienced major mood swings, and what is known as heart spasms, basically he feels like he is having a heart attack! Our oldest daughter has also experienced the mood swings, she said her brain is “foggy”. There is such a wide range of symptoms with celiac disease and they vary with each individual, so many people who actually have celiac are misdiagnosed with another disease!
Here is a link to a great resource that better explains celiac and symptoms:
I recently read a quote in another blog- “Choosing to eat gluten-free because it makes you feel better and having to eat gluten-free to save your life are two very different things.” -Alysa
Here is the blog post I pulled it from, she does a great job explaining how gluten affects someone with celiac.
http://inspiredrd.com/2013/05/what-i-want-you-to-know-celiac-disease.html#comment-89761
This is serious people! My biggest frustration as a mom of kids with celiac is that people do not take it seriously AND the fact that my kids so often feel left out. I get it, missing out on cupcakes is not that big of a deal really, but to a 5 year old, it is! How many kids at that age can see the bigger picture? In their world, it matters! I do not expect people to cater to my children’s gluten free needs, but I would appreciate a heads up so I can at least send them with a gluten free treat or prepare them to do without. In many ways though I have used this as a character builder, to remind them that we all have differences, theirs just happens to be food related. As parents, we do not enjoy when our children are hurt or feel left out, it hurts me! I flat out don’t like it, but I know there are times that this will happen, its unavoidable, celiac or not. Feeling outed is apart of growing and everyone needs to learn how to process and deal with it! I don’t want to be that bitter mom that expects everything to be even steven, but in the same respect, I would at least like others to accept my kids disease and not make them feel inferior because they have disease.
If you could see glimpses of our lives over the past several years, you would know why I feel so strongly about this subject. We have had some pretty scary moments, rushing our toddler to the ER with a 106 degree fever (on more than one occasion) that wouldn’t go down! You would see me comforting my daughter who is sobbing because she has been uncharacteristically unkind to family and friends and doesn’t understand why she is acting that way and why she is suddenly struggling with math that a week ago was so easy. You would see a toddler crying in pain as her body was covered in hives. Theses are just a few of the moments we have dealt with after our children consumed gluten. It is hard enough to watch your child go through an illness, we’ve all been there, stomach bug, the flu, ear infection, maybe strep throat. Don’t you feel so helpless, you just want to take the pain away! Can you imagine if it lasted several weeks? a month? Thats celiac, it takes a while to get the gluten out of your system. But what if you could prevent it?! What if you knew what caused your child to be severely ill?! Wouldn’t you do everything in your power to prevent it, to be their advocate? So please, educate yourself.
Pettyville 